I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
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And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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