our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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