4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
