she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
