he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.