...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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