My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing