I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.