this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
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you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay