I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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