if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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