i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
