my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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