MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
