saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
