im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
