He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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