Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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