I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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