I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
