I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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