It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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