I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
