Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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