the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
