Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
