my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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