oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.