my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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