Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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