he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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