There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is Oprah even human
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
