Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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