We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My dick has a subreddit
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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