She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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