Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
