Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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