Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
