ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
