I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
