She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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