Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
