your room smells of hookers.
And success
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
