my phone needs a breathalizer
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
