i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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