Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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