is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
