Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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