I met the friendliest cop last night
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
