she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
