omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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