My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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