life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
