I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
