oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
