i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
