I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
