did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
